“The day before today,One day, making tracks
In the prairie of Prax,
Came a North-Going Zax
And a South-Going Zax”
You refused to come in. You stood there stuttering, trying to force what you most likely attempted to rehearse, out of your mouth and into the night air. But how does one say an unwarranted goodbye confidently? How does one admit they are backing out of the game early, to hide, to abandon ship… You chose now so you won’t have to see me in May I imagine. I also imagine you felt you were doing the big thing, coming to my door. A for effort I suppose… Last night in my underwear, You said “I can’t be friends with you anymore. I know you need closure on things so I came to give you that.” What a funny girl you are. Ten days ago you sounded like this,
Me: “Oh btw,I wanted to talk to you because (this may just be me)but, i dunno…”
Me: “i feel tension. Like tangible tension between us?”
You: “dunno, things are fine on my end”
Me: “you sure?”
Me: “not mad upset hurt or otherwise feeling badly towards my lonesome?”
Me: “maybe its the long distance”
You: “very possibly”
“And it happened that both of them came to a place
Where they bumped. There they stood.
Foot to foot. Face to face.”
I knew. I saw it in your eyes. You sounded the same as you did a little over a year ago. Raw, bitter, indignant and wounded. I have spent the last two weeks angry at you for the injustice of your rude and condescending remarks. Your spiteful behavior. I was waiting for things to develop, to see where they went. And then you showed up at my door and cut the cord. Last night in my underwear, You said, “It’s unhealthy for me. When I actually thought about you having a kid with him the other day I broke down.” You had tears in your eyes. It was the same old story. And yet, Ten days ago you sounded like this,
You: “I’m actually doing wonderfully”
You: “I’ve really recycled and reexamined a lot in the past 6 months”
You: “and am very pleased with how the journey is going”
Me: “well I’m very glad”
Me: “I love it when you’re happy”
But you don’t love it when I’m happy do you? No. It makes you mean, turns you into the beast that lives just under your skin. Me happy equals you unhappy. So now you’ve run away. You can’t handle me moving on and having a life, and yet a little over a year ago you told me you didn’t want to be with me anymore because I held you back, took you down a few notches. I was too tied to you still, you wanted to move on, I was a raincloud on your little rebellious parade. Forgive me for being so confused by your hot and cold personality. I’m not much like you. Ten days ago you sounded like this,
You: “i think when you are uncomfortable and scared is when you grow the most. need is the mother of invention, so to speak.”
Me: “I think if that were the case I’d be old and gray by now. I’ve had my fill of uncomfortable and scared. At least if that were the case for me.”
You: “Maybe, I think its different types of discomfort. You were trauma based which rarely leads to the kinds of growth we’re talking about. It’s the more lonesome types at least in my experience.”
Oh how insulting. I was “trauma based.” As if you even know what that means. Because really what does your “experience” amount to, that you can cast judgment on the type of pain I went through that you can say it’s not enough for me to have grown? I have already had my fill of pain, now I want to live a normal life , be loved, have fun. And yet because you have yet to be tested you believe we should all still be throwing ourselves into fire. We broke up. I don’t mean for this to sound as cruel as it will but I’ll say it anyway. There are far more hurtful and painful things than a high school breakup. Don’t think because you lost things in your life that you have endured enough to lecture others on their own pain. In the grand scheme of things you know nothing.
As you stood on my porch voicing “I can’t be friends with you anymore.” I wondered who it was out of the two of us who has not grown. You boast of your leaps and bounds in development while you drag me down a few notches on the side, all to accomplish what? Is this your idea of growth? Running from your problems, hiding from your struggles? But you’re brave and strong aren’t you… because in comparison you can run farther and faster than I can. At least I can face my difficulties.
I sat around with the friends of mine you hate so much (truly you hate anything I have don’t you?) and they were kind and firm about this, about you. Especially Ryan, in whom I have seen such utter growth. I admire Jen so much. She has always known of your dislike for her, but she never speaks badly about you. She has never treated you rudely, acted selfishly about you’re presence in my life. She supported me letting you back in with only her concerned warnings. And yet you talk badly about her, view her as lesser and weaker. We are all so very weak compared to you. And as your favor passes and comes ‘round again we all learn a little more about how inconsistant you are.
You lack the strength of commitment. You “recycle” everything in your life. What I have chosen to do with mine is no less valuable than yours. I have the strength to work for a relationship, to face the faults I have in it, to learn from my mistakes and fight for what I love. The only thing “unhealthy” for you is yourself.
You: “…partying won’t let you grow, that’s just immaturity”
Followed by your stories of drunkenness and one night stands, your worldly friends and your newest fling, your reports on the largest amount of alcohol you’ve consumed. You are so very blind. But you have control don’t you, so much control you say. You control everything you do, you have it covered. Last night you said “It’s impossible for me to be friends with you when I can’t move on and you’re doing exactly that.” Ten days ago you said, ‘its not like any of us are exactly “adults.” You’re projecting. Making excuses, trying to bring me down so you don’t feel the severity of this. I’m moving on because that’s what adults do. You’re stuck and clinging and grasping to any little measure of building yourself up. You put down my friends and my family, my life and my relationship, all to prove to us that you’re better.
Ten days ago you said ‘Its a shame you cant take a vacation from marriage and live on your own that would help. I think alone is the key but that’s just my philosophy.’ Well then live with your philosophy, make it your new best friend, you were never more alone than when you decided to give up the people who love you. Congratulations on your big decision. What you said to me then is, you don’t agree with commitment, it’s a weakness to you. You take vacations from everything: your lifestyle choices, your relationships, your careers and your family.
Last night you said, “You have a support system now (gesturing to David) I need a few months. No I don’t want you to contact me anymore, maybe I’ll contact you when I get to AIT.” But what you really said is, I’m not brave enough to say I never want to see or hear from you again. I was just pretending all this time because I felt guilty and needed to support you. I’m free to leave now. What you really said was, maybe when I feel better about myself we can have a relationship. When I am far away and can’t see your face I can be honest with you. When things are on my terms and I feel in control you have permission to be in my life.
Last night in my underwear I said, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I love you and I’m always here if you want to talk.” I hugged you goodbye and went inside. And now I’m explaining, I’m not interested in investing time and love and energy into someone who can cast me aside so quickly. I didn’t need your support, but I did want your friendship. I made the mistake of believing we were both mature adults who could SHARE in each others lives and company. You’re not ready for that yet. I made the mistake of trusting you again; that you were to be counted true, relied upon, and were dependable. I did not need closure; you gave it to me when you left the first time. I cannot even summon up feelings of loss. Because truly… you left a long time ago.
I am sorry you undervalue the people in my life, who are far more mature and dedicated than you are. I’m sorry you will forever be making excuses in order to act this way. There was no reason for your actions. Only that you were afraid, only that you run from the very things you claim help you grow, only that you are coward on the very basic levels of human experience. You are not facing your fears, you are hoping to occupy yourself with something bigger, you are looking to bury them beneath a uniform. And I would like for you to know that I am not as you seem to think, I am strong and I am sorry you are stuck in a past that will not bear you any kindness.
Of course the world didn’t stand still. The world grew.
In a couple of years, the new highway came through
And they built it right over those two stubborn Zax
And left them there, standing un-budged in their tracks.
I am going east now, dear, towards the sun, not south and not north. I won’t be caught stuck facing you for the rest of time, as my life goes on without me. I would rather be an elephant than a Zax.
“And it should be, it
should be, it SHOULD
be like that! Because
Horton was faithful!
He sat and he sat!”